Practical Theology for Women: On Lonely Christmases

Practical Theology for Women: On Lonely Christmases

Love And Marriage

        I recently attended the wedding of my niece to a wonderful Godly young man. It was a grand, celebratory occasion. I gathered with two of my kids, including my engaged son and his finance, my sisters and their husbands, and my brothers and their wives. We sat around our table laughing and remembering the crazy things that happened at our own weddings. I reveled in the fact that all us are on our first and only marriages and all lasting many years (from my little brother at 15 to my oldest sister at 43 years). During a lull in the conversation I glanced over at the bride and groom and smiled at the look of promise, hope, and love in their eyes.

        Thirty-two years ago this July, I was one of those brides. Looking back I realize how little I knew about marriage. Not long after our wedding, I came to realize that marriage is not all romance and flowers, and my husband realized that I would not always be at the door when he came home with dinner on the table and slippers in hand. 

        Both my husband and I have had to adjust our expectations of marriage and our life together. I thought he would always pickup his own clothes, he thought I would always put the cap back on the toothpaste. We both thought our spouses would always put our needs above their own. Somewhere is the process of the "Will you marry me?" and the "I dos" we forgot we each were marrying sinners. Fortunately, we are sinners saved and sanctified by a longsuffering God who refines us continually.

        I wince at the line in so many movies where two people are seeking their soul mates. I am not sure we marry our soul mates, but I know that we can become those soul mates for one another.

        God's plan for marriage is to use us and our spouses to sanctify each other. Like sandpaper on wood, we rub, scrub and scour one another within the most intimate of relationships this side of heaven. We chafe, we irritate, we sin, we repent, we reconcile, we are changed. And it is all part of God's plan.

        I think we have bought into the false notion that marriage will be comfortable, easy and we will always get along and agree. I've heard friends say, "it shouldn't be this hard!" In his book, What Did You Expect, Paul Tripp says "God has designed marriage to be one of his most effective tools toward personal holiness. Your differences and difficulties that they place you in are not a sign that God has forgotten you…they are not an interruption of his plan; they are part of his plan. " Paul also says "when viewing our differences in marriage it is important to remember that these things are not to be viewed as the potholes to be avoided on the road to a good marriage but as effective instruments of change in the hands of a loving, wise and faithful Redeemer. "

         When I came to see God's true purpose for me in my marriage, it changed my point of view drastically. I stopped trying to be a better wife and mother and focused instead on becoming a woman of God pursuing holiness, which made me a better wife and mother. It became not about what I was trying to do, but what God was doing in me. Because God loves me, I then want to respect and love my husband and live out the gospel in my marriage on a daily basis.

         Balancing family, an outside, job, and ministry life as a young woman was difficult for me for many years. I often felt cheated out of "me time"; resentment would grow, and I would neglect nurturing the one earthly relationship that God views as "Holy." I am thankful for God and my husband helping me to root out my sin, thankful for confession, repentance and reconciliation. I am thankful that because of their patience and love I now see a bit more of Jesus in me.

        I am very fortunate and blessed that I married a man who was also committed to allowing God to refine him. Confession, repentance, and reconciliation have become a part of our relationship. He is committed to loving me as Christ loved the church, and I am committed to respecting him, both out of obedience to God. We have learned to major on the majors and not on the minors. We have learned that our differences are often a matter of tastes and preferences. If the clothes do not make it into the hamper it is ok. It is not a statement on our relationship.

        I Corinthians has often been called the "love chapter" and is read at many weddings. I love the way it is worded in The Message Bible,

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

      You can hear many statistics on the divorce rate in America both in and out of church. I don't know why some marriages fail and others succeed. I only know why mine has and it is summed up in the last verse of 1 Corinthians 13…

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly ( I Cor 13:13). 

 Now that's great marriage advice.

Wrestling with God

"So Jacob was left alone. Then a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he could not defeat Jacob, he struck the socket of his hip so the socket of Jacob's hip was dislocated while he wrestled with him. Then the man said, 'Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.' 'I will not let you go,' Jacob replied, 'unless you bless me.' The man asked him, 'What is your name?' He answered, 'Jacob.' 'No longer will your name be Jacob, 'the man told him, 'but Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have prevailed.' " Genesis 32:22-32


Have you ever felt like you were wrestling with God, wanting answers, wanting a blessing as Jacob did?
Fifteen years ago I had my own Jacob moment. My husband had just resigned as pastor of our church after ten years of faithful service. Conflict was dividing the church body and we thought it best to step down. Although it was our choice, it was still a very painful decision. For a ministry family this meant not only the loss of a job, but also the loss of our church, our place to worship, and many of our friends.


So many losses all at once left me reeling and confused. Wasn't God supposed to keep bad things from happening to me? I had dedicated my life to serving Him, my family and I had sacrificed much for "the ministry", and now we have lost it all. Where was God in all this? Thus began my night of wrestling with God.
My "night" lasted almost a year as I wrestled with God for answers. Why had this happened, why me, why now? I felt as if everything I knew about God was being tested; his goodness, his sovereignty, his love for me. It was as if I woke up after a wonderful wedding and honeymoon to find myself married to a stranger. And that stranger was God.


Jacob's night of wrestling continued until daybreak loomed (Genesis 32), and when the angel saw that Jacob was not going to give up, he dislocated his hip. Still, Jacob held on. His wrestling turned to clinging until the angel pleaded, "Let me go." "Not until you bless me, replied Jacob." "No longer will your name be Jacob," the man told him, "but Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have prevailed." So Jacob called the place Peniel,] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip."

Jacob was a changed man after his night with God. No longer was he called Jacob which means schemer, but Israel, which means literally "God fights". This name replaced the name Jacob; it was both a promise and a call for faith. In essence, the Lord was saying that Jacob would have victory and receive the promises because God would fight for him. Jacob's walk with God would never be the same.

 As dawn appeared on my night of wrestling, I too was weary of the fight. My wrestling turned to clinging and then to resignation and acceptance. When the night was over I had no more answers to my questions than when it had started. 

Catherine Marshall said, "I need you and your presence in my life more than I need understanding…I trust You to give me understanding and an answer to my Whys only if and when You choose."

God choose not to answer my whys. His reply to me was, "I AM GOD, that's all you need to know."

  I have found that in my darkest hours, God has been silent. I have yet to understand why, but I know that in those days my faith narrows so that I focus only on Jesus. My faith seem to go backward as I cling to His promises with a baby-like faith that says, "I don't know much about You or what You're doing, but I know I need You."


I did not come away from my experience with a limp but my walk with God was also changed. I no longer had the confident sometimes cocky walk of one who "had all the answers." My walk was slower but surer. I believed in myself less and trusted God more. My circumstances had not changed but my heart had and I could say with confidence as Habakkuk did:


Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habukkuk 3:17-19

A Circle of Love

We are entering a new phase of our lives. Our son proposed to a wonderful woman, Rachel, last night and she said yes. We will soon we known as the "in-laws".

His proposal took place at the Getty Museum in Los Angeles a place that is special for both of them.

Rachel knew that it was going to be "the day" as Joel had given her hints along the way. She wanted to be prepared with a quick answer. Fearing she would be overcome with emotion, she wrote "yes" many times over on a piece of paper and kept it in her pocket. That way when he proposed if she began to sob as she thought she might, she could pull out the paper and show it to him so he would not be wondering "Well, what is the answer? Are you crying because it is 'yes' or because it is 'no'?"

The proposal itself honored not only his love for her but their love for the Lord. Joel got down on one knee and said, 'Rachel Susanne, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to do kingdom building with you. Will you marry me?"Of course the answer was Yes and we are thrilled beyond words, but it provoked quite a mixture of emotions.

We are thrilled for the new family and new life together they are beginning. We are blessed that they desire to follow God's calling and be ministers of the Gospel. But I am glad that at my core I am not a fearful person. If I was I would be fearful for them. This world is so different than when we began our life together some 32 years ago. We too were headed to the ministry together, still finishing school, and wondering how it was all going to work out.

Today the nightly news is enough to put fear in your heart for the future; wars, earthquakes, economical uncertainty, recession, joblessness. Not a good climate in which to begin a family.

I wonder how the newlyweds will survive financially; where will they live; will the ministry pay them enough to start a family? The ministry life is a blessed life but also a difficult one. Will it be kind to them, will they have a life of joy, love, and laughter?

Revelation 1:17-18: "He placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive forever and ever!"

Again and again Jesus tells us in His word to not be afraid. He will take care of us.

Matthew 6:25-31 "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? "And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. So don't worry about these things… but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

I am thankful for the assurance that God not only takes care of me but my children as well.

Thirty-two years ago when we were newlyweds, the world did not seem much better. Iran had seized American hostages, homes mortgages were at 17%, and we had to wait in line to get gas for our vehicles. Yet we saw our future through God's eyes, one filled with hope, love, and the promise of blessings working to build His kingdom. I am thankful that Joel and Rachel have that same view. I am thankful that they are in God's hands and it is His job to care for them; mine to trust that He will. My main job; extend my circle of love for my son a bit larger to include a new daughter, and try not to bawl through the wedding.

For the Joy That was Set Before Him

“let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1:2.

The writer of Hebrews tells us that Christ endured the cross and the shame for the “joy that was set before him.” He knew what God’s plan was for his life. He knew that he would have to endure the suffering and shame of the cross. Yet he chose to follow God’s plan. Because of his trust and obedience to His heavenly Father, Christ was able to go to the cross. But he also did for the joy which would be his. He suffered for the joy of being seated at the right hand of the Father, and he suffered for the greatest joy of all —- saving you and I.

He suffered for the joy of imparting His righteousness to you and I; for giving us a mansion in heaven, or as C. H. Spurgeon says, “ for the joy of finding mansions in heaven for homeless souls.”

If Christ can endure the shame, suffering, and agony of the cross for our homeless souls, shouldn’t we be able to endure suffering for His sake?

Yet send even a little suffering our way and God will find us crying out for relief. He will find us praying, “It is too much, Lord!” or “It is not fair, God!” Our suffering in this world pales in comparison to him who was “tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”

This Easter season, take a fresh look at the cross. Stand there at the feet of your suffering Savior and worship Him anew. Marvel at His great love for you.

Do not turn away from His suffering, for it is that suffering that you were healed. Worship Jesus Christ, your Savior and pray as William Gadsby did,

Now, for the love I bear His Name,

What was my gain I count my loss;

My former pride I call my shame,

And nail my glory to His cross.

Grant, O Lord, that in your wounds I may find my safety, in your stripes my cure, in your pain my peace, in your cross my victory, in your resurrection my triumph, and a crown of righteousness in the glories of your eternal kingdom. Jeremy Taylor, in The Westminster Collection of Christian Prayers, compiled by Dorothy M. Stewart

Two Little Words

Have you ever thought what a difference two little words can make in your life? Martha and Mary were dear friends of Jesus as was their brother, Lazarus. When Lazarus became ill they sent a message to Jesus that the one "whom Jesus loved" was sick. They knew how much Jesus loved their brother and were confident he would come to his aid. However, Jesus did not arrive soon enough and Lazarus died. When Jesus finally arrived at Martha's home in Bethany, both sisters were despondent. They did not understand why Jesus had not arrived sooner and in their despair they said, "If only you had been here, Jesus, our brother would not have died."

If Only…If Only. Two little words that can color our world black: two little words that can plunge us into a quicksand of guilt, pulling us deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.

These are the same words that the friends of a blind man used about his disability in John 9. If only he had not sinned, if only his parents had not sinned, he would not have born blind. This blindness was worse than a death sentence for this man. He was and would be forever dependant on others for his basic physical care. Because of his blindness this man could not work, could not marry, and could have a family. He would never be a respected member of society. He would always be dependent on the charity of others for all his basic needs. He would always be an outcast. But the worse than all that, his blindness also prevented him from having access to God! He was considered unclean in the Jewish religion and would never have the opportunity to worship at the temple the same way a physically whole man would. As far as the world was considered, his was a wasted life. His parents would live for years with the guilt that they had done something to cause this to happen to their son. If only….

Do you live under a cloud of "if onlys"? If only you had not made that business deal. If only you had not bought that house. If only that disease had not robbed you of your normal life. If only you had avoided that car accident.

God is a sovereign and good God. He turns our "if onlys' into "so that's". That is what he did for the blind man. When asked who sinned to cause this man's blindness, Jesus replied, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3) And then Jesus, the light of world, removed this man's darkness forever and restored his sight. This man was born blind so that God's glory could be displayed in his life.

And how about Jesus' friend Lazarus? When told of his illness, Jesus' said to the disciples, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." Jesus purposely waited until Lazarus had died that he might perform the greatest miracle of all; the raising of a dead man.

Sufferings come to all us. Dwelling on the "if onlys" in our life will cause only discouragement and defeat. When we focus in on the "so thats" of our suffering, God is glorified through our sufferings. He uses us and our lives to display his magnificent glory, and we can persevere through our trials knowing they are not without purpose. Praise God today for the so that's he has brought into your life, and revel in the knowledge that you are a masterpiece of God's glory.

His Amazing Grace

Grace. We sing about it on Sunday but have a difficult time living it on Monday. Sometimes it is hard to believe that The Almighty God would have grace on puny little us. Many of us have experienced God’s saving grace; the grace that frees us from our chains of sin. But we still live like shackled people. How can we break the bondage of our own list of do’s and don’ts; our own set of rules that keep us drowning in shame? We need to anchor our self image to the Word of God. See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! 1 John 3:1 2 Samuel 22 says that God "…reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He led me to a place of safety; because he delights in me." How amazing, how astounding that the creator of the universe delights in me. God cannot love us any more than he does now, and He will not love us any less no matter what we do. Nothing we do can increase or decrease God's love for us. This is grace. It is astounding that God should love us so. Knowing this helps us have a more accurate view of who we are in Jesus Christ and helps us be more compassionate and patient with others. God in His mercy has shown his abundant grace towards us; how dare we not extend a small measure of that grace to others who are image-bearers of God? . God delights in me: ME. That is astounding to me. Sometimes I don't even like myself. This helps me to have a more accurate view of who I am in Jesus Christ which helps me to continually conquer my worst sin, pride. It also makes me more compassionate and patient with others. God in His mercy has shown his abundant grace towards me. How dare I not extend a small measure of that grace to others who are image-bearers of God? Tim Keller in The Reason for God said this, “The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.” I will be honest. This has not been easy to do. But in focusing on who I am in Christ, I have seen progress in my life. I hang on less to past and present hurts. I forgive quicker, both others and myself. I am more compassionate toward others. I focus more on who I am in Jesus Christ instead of what I do for Jesus. I serve him out of love and not out of obligation because I am following a list of do's and don'ts. This is freedom. This is love. This is grace.